My son was bullied by a boy a year older than him. The teacher brought it to my attention along with my son. I spoke to the older boy's Mother and explained what was going on. After a week it still continued, now I got the principal involved. A meeting was called with both of us Moms, the teacher and the principal. Basically the principal let me have my say. Once I revealed what her son was doing in front of the school staff she was appalled. She finally had a talk with her son. He came and apologized to my son with me standing there. It took a couple weeks but they became friends. His bully eventually became his protector. He stood up for him anytime someone tried to give him a hard time. Now my son is older and stands up for himself. I couldn't be prouder. He even stood up to the kid that was bullying his best friend.

When I was in first grade, there was a kid named ----. He bullied me over everything; from my looks, to the teddy bear I carried around(and still have!). He was going to do everything to make first grade horrible. Then one day.. he kissed me. That was my first kiss and gosh, if I could slap that kid a million times, I would. Fast forward a year. Second grade to the end of fourth grade; there was a guy, different one named -----[purposely leaving out the name]. He made fun of me for everything. Anything I did was "lame" and "stupid" and he was just plain mean. In fifth grade things calmed down though. I made friends who meant the world to me! A lot of the kids who had always bullied me or been horrible to me were at a new elementary school. My school was Two Springs Elementary in Nebraska. The one a lot of them moved to, once it was built, was Bellevue Elementary. I list these schools to show the horrible conditions they have and ignore. My current school, for 3 more days that is, is Lewis and Clark Middle in Bellevue, NE. I find middle school worse. I was diagnosed with depression during 6th grade and during 7th, I lost my 6th grade best friend and even today we don't talk often. In seventh grade I was the one who was friends with everyone and my bestbestbest BEST friend began ignoring me at the end and once 8th grade came by, I was all alone. I struggled with living and I cried everyday. Out of no where though, during May(now) I started feeling.. happy. My medication seemed to work better than the ones before it. Now, I've gotten more sad. Going back a little bit, once I entered middle school, the boy who bullied me throughout elementary school was back. A week ago he got in my face, again, and I completely LOST it. I slapped him but immediately started to freak out and hyperventilate. Now, as the year is closing, I'm moving. I'll be started on a new slate in another state and I won't see him ever again(I hope). But, I'm standing up for what I believe is right and that is what counts.

There is no such thing as Bullying

Gina Herd, LCSWR

19 West 34 Street Penthouse NY. NY. 10001

718 502 0826

[email protected]

                                                                                       

There is much media about what bullying looks like but there is no such thing as Bullying.

The word Bullying is a somewhat gentle word being used to describe a most progressive and dangerous mental illness: Anxiety.  Anxiety is fear based and rooted in the need to control. It would appear that there is a “bully” and a “victim” when in fact they both suffer from anxiety. This “victim” and “bully” are engaged in an abusive relationship and therefore share a role in the conflict. Why does the bully, a seemingly nice child, appear cruel to this particular “victim” and why doesn’t the “victim” just ignore or walk away? Because they cannot.   Why are some children constantly bullied while others have not ever experienced one incident?  Anxiety is a learned behavior unknowingly taught by the parental figures.     

We are passing down this pathology generation to generation and it is catching up to us with all the violence we see in children not yet teenagers.  Parents are now telling their children how to dress, how to talk, how to think, feel, where to go and even what to eat. We are creating children who don’t know how to make a decision, are fearful of most new ideas, can’t concentrate and are dependent on others to tell them how to think and feel. We wonder why they can’t get jobs, leave our homes or finish school. We are producing children with anxiety because we have anxiety.

In the controlling relationship the “bully” needs to feel control because he has learned that this is how relationships are conducted: He’s being taught that others need to be controlled because this is what his primary (parents) relationship taught him and further they unknowingly taught him that  that the “victim” doesn’t feel anything because his parents told him how to feel, think and act to the extent that he learned to  suppress his actual feelings(in order to gain acceptance from the parents) and because he suppresses his feelings (thereby having none) so must his  “victim”. 

The so called victim needs to have control over how the bully sees him: “If I am just perfect enough, if I just do what he says he will accept and like me”. The victim comes to believe this because of the parents need for perfection in the child. The “victim” has learned to do what his parents say as a condition of love. The parent has not sufficiently validated the child and at home perfection was required. So here you have the dance. At any given time the victim and the perpetrator can change roles and often do. It’s all about control. Those with anxiety can’t see that they are hurting others or participating in the dance because this behavior was taught in childhood by the almighty all-knowing parents and therefore seems normal to them.

 

Of course you have to use words and tactics that are abusive and degrading to get a child to suppress his nature curiosity,  inclination to discover self and make decisions. This constant telling a child what to do (often well into adulthood) is demeaning.

Mr. Roberts brought his 11 daughter into my office for treatment because she was less and less interested in all her activities including her school work. After speaking with Mr. Roberts he explained to me that he didn’t feel like she had the ability to travel on her own to activities, friends’ homes and that he was generally “over protective”. He was proud of this until I  explained to him that if he didn’t feel she could do these activities then eventually his daughter had internalize these feelings and interpreted them in every activity she might do. In effect he taught her both fear and doubt (the breeding ground for anxiety) which was transferred into her entire idea about her ability to do anything, not just school work.  I encouraged Mr. Roberts to discuss his childhood which was full of negative, fearful parenting and his unawareness to the need for positive thinking and verbalization to his child. He was able to see that most of his though process was worry about all the bad things that could happen and this was how his daughter had now learned to think. Parents with anxiety create the exact opposite of what they say they want for their children.

Some words and feelings of degradation can seem harmless: you don’t like that, that looks awful, you’re not hurt, “you will go”, "that's not going to work".  Children who don’t get demeaned at home are confident and therefore not victimized in life. It is the job of a parent to be aware of your verbal and non -verbal thoughts and attitudes related to our children's lives and our own.

 We are creating a society in which parents are unaware and in denial about their role in the emotional development of their own children. We act as if the hitting, harsh words or even a condescending tone towards our children will somehow go unnoticed by them. 

 Most people who suffer from anxiety also suffer from depression and in children this can be especially dangerous, leading to impulsive behavior (violence or suicide).  Anxiety often mimics ADHD or ADD so goes undiagnosed.

The good news is that Anxiety is fully curable, anything learned can be unlearned. I only treat a child with the family and young adults recover quickly in psychotherapy. The really bad news is that we insist that everyone has anxiety, it’s not curable and that somehow we are born with this painfully learned mental illness.

All not true.

 

I was a rather small child growing up. I was, and remain, small boned. Compared to other kids I was very scrawny and skinny. This apparently gave the other kids permission to constantly harass me for my weight. I was made fun of when the teachers weren't looking, left mean notes in my locker, and was constanty told I looked sickly and unattractive. I would use the phonebooth outside of the cafeteria and have my mother come pick me up from school everyday during lunch. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in middle school. I began seeing a therapist before I even reached puberty. I let those negative people influence the way I felt about myself. It took many long, hard years to finally gain back the self-esteem and love for my body that my own peers had taken away from me. I was too shy, sweet, and introverted to stand up for myself. It's impossible to go back in time...This is why it is my mission to help kids today deal with their own bullying issues. I want to explain to these kids that they have a voice, and they are important. I want them to love themselves for exactly what they are. I don't want them to fear themselves. 

I have gotten bullied since the 5th grade. MY bully never lves me alone she threats to punch me and do more and more to me each day tells rumors thats not true the 2 she manly uses are that I have had sex or I have flashed someone well Im not that kind of person maybe people think of me like that but, I'm not! STAND UP for yourself!

When I was 7 yrs.  old we moved from a small community to the city. I had loved going to school and was so excited for my first day and wanted to make tons of friends like I had at my last school. Little did I know, I was not easily accepted into my new school because I was overweight. My first moments in class ,my classmates were giggling behind my back, then at lunch several little boys thought it was funny oinking and mooing at me, then one little girl ran up and screamed in my face , when the teacher asked her why she exclaimed loudly "I thought she was going to eat me". After that day I never wanted to leave my house again. I cried on the bus all the way home. My mom told me to tell them "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" and I told her I would try to ignore them. While I tried my best to avoid the kids who gave me the most trouble and I tried to ignore the comments but that just made things worst. The bullying went from name calling and loneliness to being harassed and physically abused. For years I had pleaded with counselors and principals for help and they ignored me and one even said maybe I should just lose the weight. I was pushed, beaten up constantly, I had to check my seat daily for thumbtacks and at 11 years old I wanted to just end it all. I felt unwanted, lonely, depressed, and angry, and cried myself to sleep every night. The only thing that gave me any hope was my aunt who had been bullied as a child gave me the confidence and the will to push through school. I graduated, made lots of friends out of school, got married, had kids. Now as an adult I still feel the cruel malicious remnants of the effects from being bullied and I know that bullying and name calling can hurt more than sticks and stones. My daughter now is being bullied at school and I am committed to trying to prevent anyone from the torture I had endured growing up. I teach my kids that everyone is different and beautiful and that no one deserves to be bullied.

I wish I could tell all kids to fearlessly be who they are and everything will be ok. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. We have a lot of hurdles to climb such as the pressure cookers called Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. By the time you get through there, if you've gotten out unscathed, you are lucky, and must have been by either hiding parts of yourself, or what you have to offer fits so perfectly in the norm, you are accepted. That's so rare. Who doesn't feel weird, ugly, or too fat, too skinny, different or unaccepted at some point? Why can't we look at someone who's different from us and say "hey, that's cool!" and move on? I wish this was the case, but it certainly wasn't for me.

I'm lucky that I haven't been severely physically bullied or ridiculed like others have. The impact of my experiences have, however informed my behavior as an adult to be very consumed with how people think of me to the point that I struggle to be my most authentic self. Cracking a joke on the bus in first grade and having a 5th grader stalk back to your seat, give you an intimidating look, punch you in the face with all of his might so your head smashes against the window and even leaves a crack sticks with me to this day. Being so fearful of retaliation if I told an adult and having a bus driver that did nothing was scary beyond my little 7 year old brain could comprehend. "My home and family are full of such love. Who would do that to me?" "Why wouldn't someone like me?" This is something I thought all through elementary school.

I had friends, but because I wasn't great at sports, there was the chance of me blowing the little league game. Having ways to contribute the world artistically isn't as appreciated as being able to catch a pop fly. I joined the choir in 4th grade and have made singing a big part of my life. There comes a point near adulthood where that becomes cool to people, but not when you're in 8th grade, and your choir director thinks it's a good idea to put 14 year old boys in sparkly silver bow ties and cumberbunds and have them parade through the cafeteria during lunch. It didn't get much better in High School, where the uniform was a blue sparkly tie and matching sparkly vest. Who would want to risk the chance of ridicule wearing that in such a hostile environment as hundreds of adolescents? Me, that's who. Because the opportunity to sing and learn how to get better at it outweighed the laughs and points. But they still hurt. The term "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is a lie. Broken bones will hurt. The hate behind the punch that caused the broken bone stays longer. The words that are said that can't be taken back can hurt you. They can hurt you in the moment, they can stick with you years and years later as you try to make sense of them as an adult.

The fear of rejection and judgement didn't allow me to find someone new to sit with at lunch when my lunch period was different than my friend's. Instead, I waited all day, got fast food after school, didn't eat it there, because I'd be eating alone, but instead ate hidden behind the sign of a subdivision, and hid the evidence so my mom wouldn't wonder why I didn't eat at school. Another time, I got a new shirt and tie for my first high school dance. My mom convinced me to go alone and find friends. I got dressed, and the fear of that social situation was too much, so I just didn't go. The fear of being bullied or judged made me miss out on a lot of potentially fun times.

Being bullied or the fear of being bullied has informed who I am as a person.  "He's so nice. Why is he so quiet?" It's because I'm a 30 year old who's afraid of every new encounter. "Are they safe?" "Will they judge me?" "What do they say about me when they aren't around me?" "Why did he unfriend me? I didn't do anything. What DID I do?"

I'm happy to say my love of music hasn't gone away and it's still a part of my life, but I feel the need to downplay it. It's totally acceptable to be a man and obsessed with sports, proudly display your favorite team on your car, but if you post pictures on social media of musicals you've seen you're "a little much." Why are my passions not equal to yours?

Can we please teach our kids to accept others for their differences in every aspect of the word? I think about myself before I knew of bullies, and think about myself just happily doing "my thing." Whether it was singing at the top of my lungs or being completely ridiculous and silly, developing my sense of humor with not a care in the world. You learn to act normal and hide the things that aren't valued, and I just wish we didn't lose the freedom to be who we are, no matter what we bring to the table.

My name is Hailey Niemela. I am 17 Years old. My mom is a recovering meth addict, my dad sexually assaulted me for Four years of my life. I have always had problems making friends and was picked on alot. Until the 7th grade then i became very popular and started to date. My freshmen year I became pregnant and my mom relapsed so i moved to my grandparents house. Going back to my early childhood school was horrifying, every day i was called names, judged and had rumors about me. I finally went to the alternative school. I still get dirty looks and rude comments under peoples breath while in public with my son. I am apart a teen theater troupe that helps raise awareness about bullying and we help break oppression. I wanted to share my story because I thing young women need someone to look up to and need someone to give them advice. I also want everyone to know that they are not alone!! I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, AND IF I HAVEN'T THEN I WILL BE SOONER OR LATER!!I have had the suicidal thoughts, the depression, the loneliness. you aren't alone!!

I grew up in Brooklyn New York with a very unique and amazing childhood. I am fortunate enough to be both of Chinese and Italian decent, however I grew up very traditionally Italian; Sunday Dinners with my family every Sunday at 2pm, went to an all Catholic School for the better stages of my childhood etc. The only thing was, the kids that went to my school didn't see who I was, they saw that I was different from them. I was ostracized for "acting" Italian when I look predominantly Asian, but to me it wasn't acting. I am who I am and I couldn't change it if I wanted too. For years I would tell my parents I had headaches and avoid school at all costs, I was made fun of for being smart, for caring about my grades, for the way I looked and for the few Chinese traditions I stuck too (Moon Cake during the Lunar Festivals.) What was worse than being bullied was being punished for finally standing up for myself. Anytime I would do something to react, the administrators would say that I started the trouble and that I needed counseling. Finally after years of being abused by these kids I begged my parents to leave the school and transfer to my local zoned public school. Once I left and went to a more diverse place, the bullying stopped and I began to make friends leaving my past behind me. 

Since that day in June when I left my old school I vowed to never be bullied in any way again. I became a championship swimmer as well as began kickboxing and now boxing professionally in order to learn how to defend myself if I were to ever encounter a situation that warranted action. I try to help whenever and wherever I can so that no one goes through what I went through for so long. 

I grew up in Brooklyn New York with a very unique and amazing childhood. I am fortunate enough to be both of Chinese and Italian decent, however I grew up very traditionally Italian; Sunday Dinners with my family every Sunday at 2pm, went to an all Catholic School for the better stages of my childhood etc. The only thing was, the kids that went to my school didn't see who I was, they saw that I was different from them. I was ostracized for "acting" Italian when I look predominantly Asian, but to me it wasn't acting. I am who I am and I couldn't change it if I wanted too. For years I would tell my parents I had headaches and avoid school at all costs, I was made fun of for being smart, for caring about my grades, for the way I looked and for the few Chinese traditions I stuck too (Moon Cake during the Lunar Festivals.) What was worse than being bullied was being punished for finally standing up for myself. Anytime I would do something to react, the administrators would say that I started the trouble and that I needed counseling. Finally after years of being abused by these kids I begged my parents to leave the school and transfer to my local zoned public school. Once I left and went to a more diverse place, the bullying stopped and I began to make friends leaving my past behind me. 

Since that day in June when I left my old school I vowed to never be bullied in any way again. I became a championship swimmer as well as began kickboxing and now boxing professionally in order to learn how to defend myself if I were to ever encounter a situation that warranted action. I try to help whenever and wherever I can so that no one goes through what I went through for so long.