It has been statistically proven that over 76% of active prostitutes have a history of being sexually assaulted as minors, and that there are roughly over 300 active youth prostitutes across Canada.

They say daily 3,450 youths from the ages of 12-17 will smoke their very first cigarette. Over 25% of high school students admit to trying cannabis (marijuana), they also say that the average age a youth tries cannabis is between 13-15 years of age.

There is a very popular statement that goes "everything happens for a reason". I feel this same statement can be associated with youths and people. I believe "people act a way for a certain reason", and until we try to figure out why a person is acting a certain way we will not be able to truly assist them.

Depression is a world wide illness, it is something that you cannot always see on the outside, its known as an internal demon. When someone is suffering from depression there are numerous ways to potentially realize there is an issue. Most often it is a personality change, an alter in sleep pattern, or any shift in general behavior.

There is a reason to why people act a certain way. No one strives to grow up and become a prostitution, a frequent drug user, a smoker, or an alcoholic. I guarantee you that you will never have a youth say "when I grow up I want to be a prostitute". I guarantee it.

Throughout ones life something occurs that sends an individual down this rough path. We all have a story, we all have events that have helped mold us into who we are, to how we think, and to how we act. We all have experienced different situations, we all have been dealt different hands, this is why we all can learn from each other. I guarantee you if you put 5 people into one room, and told them to tell stories from their childhood you would hear different stories.

We all have stories to tell. What the problem is now is that so many people do not get the time to tell their stories until it is too late. There is a reason to why he/she is working on the streets, a reason to why he/she is selling narcotics, or a reason to why he/she is an alcoholic. For this reason we all deserve the chance to tell our story. We all deserve the right to not be judged until we voice our story.

I tell you this for the simple fact I met someone while I was doing security at a shopping centre in the NE. She was a student within a school that was attached to the shopping centre. I will not state her name until i receive permission to do so. I first met this female when I was called to issue a property ban for theft.

She stole from a dollar store within the mall, and was apprehended by in store loss prevention. I remember I walked into the room and I observed her sitting in a chair, with legitimate tears coming down her face. Generally I was pretty numb to emotion while I was working, however, seeing this youth obviously hurting made me realize she might need some help.

Therefore, I identified myself as security, I explained to her why I was there. Literally as soon as I told her I was issuing her a 1 year ban she broke down. It was then I realized this female youth really needed help. Therefore, I asked her to explain to me what happened, and why.

I was surprised with how fast she began confiding in me, telling me she was homeless due to being kicked out by her parents, she was pregnant by a male who used and left her, and that she frequently used recreational drugs. I felt so bad for this female. I realized she obviously was hurting enough, therefore, I elected not to lecture her, judge her, or give her the useless "you should've known better" talk.

Instead I still had to give her the property ban, however, I took this as a chance to get to know her better. While I was filling out the ban paperwork I obtained her name, after that she went on and told me why she stole. She told me she stole cause she felt no one would care whether she was ok or needed help, that she felt no matter what she would always be useless and dumb.

She also went on to tell me how broken her home was, where her father always beat her mother, and there was always frequent alcohol abuse. She said she observed her parents steal from each other while growing up. I asked her "if someone were ever able to help, how would you want to be helped?". I cannot recall her exact words, however, she replied "Anyone who wants to help me, I will accept, I do not care how".

When she replied with that statement I had this internal feeling that if I did not try to help her I would feel responsible for something happening to her. Therefore I informed her I want to help her anyway I can. Upon me saying this, she then informed me she went to school in the mall. I then informed her that due to her commitment to her studies she is welcome to attend her courses, however, she had to leave as soon as class was over.

I gave her the property ban. No one knows this until now, I also gave her a $20 bill and told her to go and buy food from Wal-Mart. Why did I give a youth who was just arrested for theft $20? Simple. She needed help.

After this I told her that she will be ok, and that no matter what she needs to stay focused. Then I left. I honestly thought that would be the last I seen her, however, I was wrong. A couple weeks later I saw her leaving her class, she saw me and ran over to me and gave me a hug and said "thank you". We got to talking and she said she learned her lesson about never stealing again, and that she also learned that even in the worst case scenario, something good comes out of it.

She told me that the $20 I gave her she spent on groceries. She again said thank you. I then elected to walk her off property to see how things were going for her. She informed me her parents still wanted nothing to do with her, and the father of her child was still nowhere to be seen. However, she said she is doing great in school and has vowed to never do drugs again.

I was very proud of her, and told her if she ever needed anything to never hesitate to ask. She then left property and headed to, well, I had no idea where she was staying. This concerned and worried me. I then yelled and asked for her to come back.

When she came back I asked her if she was living near by, she then said that she currently did not know where she was going to stay, however, had an idea of a place to go. She said she had a friend near by she could stay with. I did not know what to say. She told me she would be ok, and she started to walk away.

I felt so bad for her, she was only 16. I couldn't imagine being 16 and having nowhere to go, I began wondering how scared she was, how lost she must have felt. I started to realize that everyone has a reason for how they act. I realized she stole cause she had to, she had no idea what else to do, with her parents kicking her out and her being pregnant she was lost. She was not being guided or helped, until this happens she would be lost. I vowed I would help her.

I made it a daily routine to patrol around the school more often, I even would enter the classroom more often. There was never a day I did not see her in the classroom, she was also doing very well. I was very proud of her.

I left my position with this shopping centre as a security supervisor to pursue another job. I was gone for about 3 months, and during the 3 months I was gone I wondered how she was doing. When I came back she was no longer in the school, becuase she graduated and received her High School Diploma. I was so ecstatic for her, however, I felt I would not see her again.

While I was dealing with a group of youths for smoking by an entrance the youths were yelling and swearing at me, until I heard in the background "Hey Dave!". I t was her. She came running up to the group of youths, and told them I was a quote "cool guy, and to respect me". She was friends with them.

After the other youths walked off and apologized she began telling me she graduated high school, gave birth to her child, and her parents allowed her back into their home. She also told me she was starting a job, and that everything was going very well for her, she then hugged me and said thank you. She said I was the one person who did the smallest gesture, however, the gesture had the most impact. Instead of me judging and belittling her, I gave her time to speak, time to explain her actions, and why she was acting the way she was.

She said that little gesture gave her the hope that there was help. We talked for quite sometime, and during the conversation she wouldn't stop smiling. She was so happy. She went from being the 16 year old in a holding area being charged, and having no positive statements with tears running down her face. To no being a high school graduate and a proud mother who was starting a job.

Even though someone may look weak, may look broken, does not mean they are not strong enough to do the right things, all they need is a small gesture. That gesture is communication, allowing a person to confide and explain why they are acting a certain way. It is such a small gesture, however, the results are monumental and very benefitting.

To this day I still see her, and she is doing very very well. Everytime we see eachother she says the same thing to me "thank you", and everytime I still get the exact same amount of satisfaction. It reminds me that there is more satisfaction in helping someone, as opposed to judging or belittling them. It leads me to a saying "don't judge what you have never lived or experienced, although learn from those who have."

What that means is through all of our personal lives and experiences we can help prevent the same for others, we can educate others on ways to avoid such experiences. We can teach others through our mistakes, the next time you want to judge someone for their actions or lifestyles, before you do......ask why. You will be amazed, I was.

I am very happy I asked a person in trouble, why?

They say that every child will have a minimum of four individuals within their life that will make a significant difference on their lives. Two of these individuals need to be obvious choices, their parents.  The other choices can be aunts, uncles, cousins, friends of the family, etc.

However, the most important will be the parents, for obvious reasons. The mom and dad are the most important ingredients to a child’s development. Missing one of them could potentially lead to a uncertain future. How do I know this? I was missing one of my parents for majority of my life. I did not know or see my mother for over fourteen years.

Growing up without one of my parents was very difficult as you have probably assumed. There were many reasons to this, the main one was having the thought process that it was my fault. I felt it was me, I was the reason my mother was not around. I loved my mother, I missed my mother, and I often wondered if the feelings were mutual.

Coping and dealing with this obviously was difficult as I was quite young. I could not understand when my family tried to convince me I was going to be ok, if anything them saying that just angered me more. How could someone who is not in my position tell me how I was going to feel, how could they predict the outcome?

The only person who could ever allow me to have a type of answer was my mother. I needed to hear it from her, I needed to hear her express the most popular question, why? I grew up with a confrontational and easily angered mentality.

I grew up with a no nonsense attitude. I wanted to have closure, I wanted to confront my mother. It meant everything to me to confront her, show her how angry I was, let her know how I felt. However, every time I looked at the photo I got, I couldn’t help but hold back the tears, how could I miss someone I barely knew? Did I miss my mother, or was I just missing what I really never understood, which was the mother’s touch? Being I was so young I did not know how to control my anger or temper. It was so sporadic, anything that reminded me of my mother, or a mother in general set me off.

The hardest part was seeing my cousins and friends spend time with both their parents. Observing this behavior only reminded me of what I missed, of what I craved. I wanted my mother to miss me and love me. My father soon enough started to date other women, this was the ultimate test. I failed that test, and boy did I fail it miserably.

Seeing my father with other women angered me to the point where I could not stand it. I obviously held it all in for awhile, however, it was not long before I started to show my anger. Seeing my father with other women just confirmed to me that I may never see my dream become a reality. What was that dream? My parents being together. I was driven to make that dream a reality, however, I was perplexed. I was so back and fourth. Would that dream ever come true? I will not quit until it does, but can it honestly ever happen? I want it to, I need it to. War with myself.

I did whatever I could to disallow my father from having a relationship. Simple tactics that included sneaking into my fathers bed, to ease dropping through walls, to misbehaving to have the female I was too much baggage. I tried it all.

I was so angry with my father, so angry. I felt it was wrong for him to see other women, I felt it was wrong for him to try and move on. I see now it was wrong of me, however, back then I felt it was all justified. I honestly convinced myself that one day my parents will be together. Heck, I just missed my mother so much at this point.

It did not matter no woman would ever be good enough for me, as she was not my mother. I grew up craving that mothers touch, that mothers love, and that chance to look my mom in the eyes and just say “I love you mom”.

This is why I am so confrontational, I never had the time to tell my mother how I felt. Growing up with all that anger and not having the chance to confront drove me near insane. This is why now I am so confrontational. I need to confront those who anger or hurt me. I have to, as if I do not I just build the tension and anger up, until I potentially snap.

Being I never had this chance with my mother, I held all my anger in. Eventually I had to have my breaking point right? I did. I remember I asked my father about my mother, and where she was. I did not like that answer and I snapped. I recall crying in my room and ripping the only photo I had of my mother. I ripped it up while uttering “where are you, why are you not here with me, why is it my half sister gets you, but not me!”.

My father then started a relationship that would eventually turn very serious. I did not adjust well to it. Even though I was roughly eight years old, I still did not accept it. I felt like my father did not care about me missing my mother, or the fact that I wanted him and her together. I took it very personally.

It did not matter how nice she was to me, it did not matter what she bought me, nor did it matter how much she tried to impress me. I just was not accepting it. I felt this was the way my father was going to close the door on my mother. I felt this was his way of saying “Dave, son, you have to let your mom go, close that door”.

No, that is not your call. That is MY mother I will not allow anyone to replace her, no matter how long it has been since I have seen her. It is my choice when or even if I ever close that door, that is my loss, that is my mother. I am the only person who can make that choice.

I honestly felt I was being forced to forget my mother, to understand she may never come around. I refused to accept that, I refused to quit on my mother. I knew one day I was going to find her, I knew one day I would confront her, I knew one day I would get that hug. I knew it, and nothing or anyone was going to disallow me that.

I made it very difficult on my father and step-mother. I know I did. However, I did not care. I was determined to never allow my step-mother to replace my mother. I was so angry, however, I now realize I was more hurt then anything.

People ask, “did you ever deal with it, did you ever just accept it?”. My answer is simple, no. I accepted the fact my father was with my step-mother, I accepted that she was around taking care of me. However, I would never accept it enough to call her “mom”, as I knew one day I’d see my mother. I knew I would.

I started getting very depressed when my father and step-mother got more serious. I am talking about when my father announced they were engaged. I remember I acted happy, however, deep down I was screaming and very angry. I did not want to accept that.

My grades in school started to drop, I started to show signs of anger and aggression. I made it clear I was not happy at any chance I got. I started to develop an attitude where I would show disrespect, where I would ignore people, where I would talk back. I was very unhappy, however, more so very hurt and saddened.

Then came the birth of my first sister. That sealed it for me. When she was born I knew I had to accept it, I just did not know how. I love all four of my sisters all the same, they all mean the world to me. However, I just did not know what this meant. Was I now going to lose time with my father, who I already barely ever saw due to his work schedule?

My father worked a lot when I was growing up. I remember when he was working two jobs, and some weeks and months it felt like he was never home. I felt him and I becoming very distant. Now with the birth of my first sister I knew I would barely get time with him, I felt more isolated and neglected.

I dealt with all this the only way I knew how, anger. I was always angry, literally always. Every chance I got I would think about memories that I did have of my mom, one image mostly. I always remember a white van, the van had a couch in the back. I remember my mother picking me up and I was screaming I did not want to go. I then remember a bunch of trees overlooking a street. This was the constant and only true memory that I had of my mother.

When I turned eighteen I had enough. I moved out on my father into my grandparents house when I was seventeen. I got to the point where I needed to find and locate my mother. I needed to. I recall speaking to my cousin who lived in Edmonton at the time on Yahoo Messenger.

I remember seeing my aunt on my moms side on his contact list. I then swallowed and asked him if she would have my moms account. He said “let me check”. As I was waiting I was frozen, I was worried, nervous, angry, scared, and concerned. Not too long after he said  “yup, here it is, this is your moms account”.

What? Was it really that easy. Are you telling me it only took me a couple minutes to obtain contact info to my mother? I grew very angry at this point. I started to ask, “why did my mom not take this couple of minutes to find me?”

I then just went by my gut, I added her to my list. I was so hyped, I was so ready to confront her. I was ready. Well, until I saw next to her name it said “online”. I froze, I had tears appear. I remember my aunt held me and asked if I was ok. My father also called me and asked if he wanted me to come over. Its like everyone knew how I was going to react. They were right.

I sent her a message simply saying “hi”, when she replied I cannot explain how I felt. I just knew I needed to confront her, I needed to. I remember her saying “if you do not want to call me mom, I understand”. I remember I said “I will call you mom”. When I first referred to her as mom tears started to flow. I have never called anyone that in so many years, and to finally say it overwhelmed me. Am I really speaking to my mom right now, after over fourteen years?

I was overwhelmed. However, I remember I told her how angry I was, how hurt I was, and how I wanted and need to see her. We talked for so long that night, we then exchanged phone numbers. I remember the first time I called her, hearing her voice for the first time broke me down. I thought it could not get any more emotional. I was wrong.

When she first told me she loved me over the phone, I remember I said it back, and as soon as I hung that phone I broke down. I was so happy. It was almost like all my anger left me, all I know is I missed my mother and I needed to see her.

We then figured out a time we can meet as she would drive to Calgary with my two younger sisters. I was so excited, and so very nervous. I remember my aunt said she would stay with me, and my father called and said he would come over if need be. This was huge to me, fourteen years I craved, cried, and asked for this. It was finally happening, I was going to meet my mother!

I remember when she called and said she would be at my place in under five minutes I started pacing. My heart was racing, I could already feel the tears coming. Then I saw her vehicle pull up, and I panicked. I did not know how to react. I did not know how I was going to react.

Then I saw her climb out of the vehicle with my sisters, and I can only remember me saying to myself “that’s my mother”, they all then came to the door and rang the bell. I opened it and when I first saw her I did not know what to say except for “hi mom”.

I remember when I first hugged my mom the tears just flowed, on both ends. We just held each other and cried. It was surreal, very surreal. I finally got the mothers touch! I finally felt how it feels to hug your mother. I did not want to let go.

My mother and I are very close now, we talk as often as we can. However, I do not see her or my other sisters not near enough. I do not have any grudges towards my mother. I understand that there is no point, the past is the past. All I care about now is that I have my mother in my life. That’s all that matters to me.

Having my mother in my life completes me. For so long I felt incomplete, having her here now completes the puzzle that is me. I love you mom, I miss you so much everyday. I promise to only do what I can to always make you proud.

I now have one of the four individuals in my life that completes me. No matter what I learned from this that family always works out. I learned that no matter where someone is in the world if you truly love them, you will find them again. I have also learned that life without a mother is not easy for anyone, and the same goes for those without a father.

Never feel you did anything wrong, never grow up thinking you were the cause to them not being there. It is not fair to you to think that. Just always know that while you are breathing, and so is your parent there is the chance one day you will meet and be close. Never quit on family. I never quit on my mother, now I know why. I knew I would find her.

Growing up in a world where action figures, movie stars, and celebrities are advertised as individuals with nice bodies, and perfect physical attributes, I was very displeased with my physical appearance. All of my action figures had perfect bodies, all the wrestlers I enjoyed watching were in great shape, however, I was not. I was aware growing up I was out of shape, as people ensured they would always remind me.

I was always subject to names such as “fat ass, worthless, fatty, and wide load” it was such a common issue that I eventually accepted it, I started to believe I was worthless and fat. I grew up with the loitering fact that my body type was not accepted in society. I never had an image of me looking slim, or being in good shape. All the visions I had were consistent daily, I would never be accepted for my physical appearance.

One of the most used ammo with my bullies was my weight, it was a easy statement or attack. I remember this song in which most of us have probably heard “fatty fatty two by four, cannot fit through the bathroom or kitchen door.” I constantly had that song lingering through my mind daily, it was a thought that constantly haunted me daily.

Whenever people would sing the song to me I tried to make it less obvious it actually affected me, truly it always brought me to tears. To constantly be verbally attacked about my weight as a child was extremely effective in disallowing me any self-esteem.

How was I expected to lose weight as a young individual? I wasn’t involved in sports often, sure, I played soccer indoor and outdoor for a little while, I also was pretty active in play wrestling. However, never enough to lose weight and to keep the weight off.

I honestly was confused as to why I was being made fun of, and how I was going to be able to lose weight to stop the bullying. I couldn’t comprehend why I was so overweight until I realized how and what I was eating. Every weekend I would go to my best friends place and we would only eat pizza, and we would easily finish off a 24 pack of Cola in 2 days. However, I was only a child having fun and trying to enjoy the time I could smile.

You don’t think about weight issues when you’re a child, you only think of having fun. I can recall numerous nights dreaming of being in great shape so my bullies could leave me alone, however, the dreams only reminded me of reality. I was overweight.

It was in junior high where I realized just how overweight I was, I had a hard time enjoying gym class as my cardio was terrible. I would be out of breathe much faster than the average youth, thus allowing others more ammunition to use towards me. It was a vicious cycle, as the one way to lose weight I couldn’t even participate in without being made fun of. I literally didn’t know what to do accept to just accept it.

I would tell myself daily I was fat and wouldn’t ever amount to anything, as that’s truly how I felt. I have heard it so many times I was convinced it was true. I did not realize that soon enough I would find a solution to my issue.

When I began high school I was attracted to football, and figured I would sign up. I fell in love with football right off the bat, it became to be something I loved to do, and all while I was losing weight. I was able to let loose and use the physicality as a means to unleash some inner anger, it was the best of both worlds for me. I could have my cake and eat it too.

With the football season I lost some weight, and thus gained some self-esteem. I felt so great after football practice and games. I started to realize football was a huge positive in my life, and that I needed to try my hardest to get results. No matter how tired I was, I never gave up. Losing the weight and having fun meant so much to me, having self-confidence meant so much to me.

After the first season I noticed I lost a lot of weight, and the way I felt was amazing. To have some confidence after 11 years of having none, felt incredible. I noticed an immediate personality change in me. Sure, I was still bullied and still judged, however, I slowly stopped caring.

The second year of football wasn’t as great as the first, I suffered a dislocated shoulder in the jamboree game. My season was cut short, my game time was cut short, down to only playing two or three games. I didn’t know what to think as I knew I wasn’t going to be able to play, I was so scared I was going to gain the weight back.

After my shoulder injury I lost a lot of strength in it, I couldn’t even lift my sisters 8oz bottle without the shoulder dislocating. It sent me into a depression as I felt helpless. Thus allowing me reason to feel justified to return to bad eating habits. It wasn’t too long before I started to gain the weight back, and started to once again being aggressively bullied. The loss of football really upset me, and I couldn’t even workout at home due to how weak and damaged my shoulder was.

I was extremely upset daily and was once again lost. I knew the next season was upcoming and it would be my last football year. However, that thought just upset me more as I couldn’t even train for the following year.

However I still tried to workout from home, tried to do pushups and other at-home routines. No matter what I did it never worked out, my shoulder would either dislocate or just give out. I would lose all strength almost immediately. Once the shoulder would pop out it was a war of popping it back in. I would usually resort to banging it against a wall, as that was the most traditional way of popping it in. It always hurt more popping it back into place as opposed to popping out.

I gained the weight back as fast as I felt I lost it, it was such a heartbreaker. It was like I did a complete 180, to just do another 180 again back to square 1. I worked so hard to lose the weight, and it felt like in the end it didn’t even matter. It felt like a huge waste of time.

Throughout the summer leading into grade 12 I did absolutely nothing, no workouts, nothing. I just played video games and hung out with my one good friend. We just ate pizza and drank our cola. Just wasted time until the beginning of grade 12, waiting for the typical routine to begin.

I ended up joining the football team in grade 12 again as I just couldn’t resist. No matter how upset I was with the previous year my passion outweighed my hurt. I was hopeful for the last season, had plans to work as hard as I could. Something deep inside of me kicked me into full gear, I was revved up and ready to go.

My shoulder at this time didn’t feel 100%, and I knew it was messed up as I didn’t follow the physiotherapy I was instructed to complete. I didn’t care though, I went back onto the field in the Lacombe uniform. The first practice was rough, obviously as I did no cardio training since the last season over a year before.

My shoulder was painful as soon as I put on the shoulder pads, I didn’t care though. I just wanted to play football and lose the weight I foolishly gained over the year. We started practicing and I learned quickly how out of shape I truly was. I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me, I was determined nonetheless.

The first contact I made off the line with the offensive lineman absolutely reminded me of my shoulder injury, as it popped out immediately. I tried my hardest to hide what just happened, although how do you hide popping a shoulder back into place? My defensive coach immediately asked if I was ok, I foolishly said I was.

It was only three weeks in when I suffered a shoulder dislocation which called for emergency surgery in November. My entire arm went blue upon the dislocation, as I damaged nerves, ligaments, and tendons. As soon as my coach found this out I was put on the injured list for the rest of the year. My last year of football and I couldn’t even play half of it. It killed my self-esteem, once again I felt I was worthless, well, that word is very familiar.

Nonetheless I had surgery coming up, with that meant four months of recovery. Two months of which was in a sling, other two without. I remember I missed a month of school due to the medication I was prescribed. When I returned to school I was instructed to wear the sling for minimum two months. People were always asking me what happened, and I remember every time I had to answer I became very angered and irritable. The hardest part of the football year was our time in the locker room before our playoff game. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to play hurt me tremendously. Knowing I was only able to participate in the team chant and huddle, and not the game itself was extremely disheartening.

Grade 12 was a rough year for my weight issue, being my shoulder surgery and the reality I couldn’t even workout I gained weight back heavily. In grade 12 I easily weighed over 260lbs, I was a big guy some would say.

I once again had to struggle with my weight issue as I was medically unable to complete any exercises. I didn’t know how to lose weight unless I was working out. I tried to go for walks, runs, or bike rides, however the more depressed and angry I got, the more unmotivated I became. I was becoming someone I thought I would never be.

I struggled with my weight for years after high school, when I pursued my wrestling dream I was overweight, and I knew it would not be easy considering how physically demanding pro wrestling is. I pursued it when I was 19, before I headed down to Edmonton I hit the gym for a little while. I mostly did cardio due to my shoulder.

I was so excited to hit the ropes as my dream of wrestling was strong since I was four years old. It was a two day training course, I felt I was ready cardio wise. I was wrong. The training absolutely killed me, it was so strenuous and intense, even more so than football was.

The second day in (last day) I suffered a neck injury, which disallowed me further training in the gym or at home. I literally was unable to do anything. It put my wrestling on hold for a couple months. At this point in life I felt that as soon as I pursue a dream or a sport I get injured. It was apparent due to the pattern.

I took awhile off of wrestling and the gym to try and return later on, which was a foolish and illogical choice being I didn’t do any cardio training. I was in a rough spot, I physically couldn’t do workouts, however, at the same time I really wanted to wrestle. Therefore, I made the choice to hide behind a lie that I was ok and train anyway. Which in the long run proved to be of no assistance at all.

January 22nd, 2006 I had to walk away from the ring due to a serious concussion which had serious affects. Once again I felt I pursued a dream and suffered an injury. This was a permanent decision, where I knew I couldn’t pursue wrestling again. This sent me into a serious depression and suicidal thoughts for months.

I gained even more weight, and didn’t even see a reason to bother losing the weight. I was not in the mindset to even consider options to lose weight. To be honest I couldn’t care less. I was at such a low in my life that I didn’t care about my weight or how I looked. I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted, I did what I felt I wanted to do.

I was so far down that I started to think of reasons and excuses to why I couldn’t work out, or make an attempt to workout. I was seriously depressed. I kept my feelings hidden deep inside, and whenever I was questioned to my weight I just ignored the person, and would become very ignorant and brash.

My attitude from 2006 on was negative, rough, juvenile, and very selfish. I didn’t have anything nice to say to anyone, I didn’t see a reason to be in a good mood, and very rarely would make any attempts to hangout with friends.

I was at this time in pursuit of my security career, which one would assume would be motivation enough to lose weight due to the job requirements at times, but not for me, I simply didn’t care. I had dreams at this time still, however, saw no real reason to why they would be reachable, or even remotely logical.

The mood I was in was terrible, looking back on it its very hard to believe I even allowed myself to get so low. However, that’s the thing with depression, you allow yourself to be easily convinced by yourself. No matter what others say it don’t matter, no matter what you say to yourself, it doesn’t matter. Due to your hurt and pain you have sabotaged yourself from ever thinking positive. No matter what you cannot seem to see any positive reason to care.

At this point I felt suicide was the only option to better my life, ironically. Then came the announcement I was going to be a father. Once I heard that I was very scared, as I still was going through adjusting to all my losses in life, that the reality knowing I was going to be a father worried me a little. Oddly enough that eventually went away as I began to become very excited.

The thought of being a father was awesome to me, I started to see a reason to feel happy and be positive, to be a good dad. It was a kick in the rear end I needed. Who knows where I would be today without that announcement.

I slowly started to return to the gym with my best friend. I started to go aggressively after a short while. I started to realize my love for the gym again. It was awesome, after years of pain and injury, and not knowing if I wanted to live or die, I was able to go to the gym.

Until the time I suffered another concussion, then another, and then another, finishing at fifteen in total. Every concussion I suffered it prolonged my recovery, thus further disallowing me gym time. I gained all my weight back again, and as of March 2011 I was well over 320lbs.

My last concussion resulted in mechanical migraines, dizzy spells, memory issues, vision issues, and the inability to stand balanced. To see I was over 320lbs was very painful, I was so embarrassed and so upset. With the events that were happening in my life at this time, I fell back into depression and once again considered suicidal thoughts. For about four months I was suicidal and depressed, everyone knew about my depression, however, none knew of my suicidal thoughts until after my rehab.

I was sent to rehab with amazing therapists at CNS, they assisted me with budgeting, dieting, and everyday living with my symptoms. I remember my first day in the gym, I was doing shoulder presses, and the therapist told me to start at 20lbs. I was seriously upset and angry, I remember I told her “20lbs? Are you serious? When I was wrestling I was easily pressing over 180lbs!”

She then told me I had to start fresh, start at the lowest weight possible, which was logically 20lbs. I went home and I cried due to how angry I was. I told myself I am done allowing my pain, injury, and depression take me over. I knew I was worth more, I knew I was stronger, and I knew I could be better. I was done with it all, I had enough, after years of depression and feeling weak I was fed up.

I remember my therapists were so frustrated with me, as I found it so hard to follow their requests in the gym. I was focused, I was driven, and I wasn’t going to allow myself to fail. If they told me only to lift 40lbs, I would bump it to 60lbs. It was a constant argument, until I told her I wont stop until I hit my goals that I set. She could either support those goals or let me be, as I am no longer waiting or wasting my time. I knew where I wanted to be, I knew how much weight I wanted to lose, and no one was slowing me down.

I was told the average recovery time for the stage of concussion I suffered was 6-9 months. I asked to be discharged at the five month mark. I hit all my goals, all of them. I started only being able to lift 20lbs, and finished lifting at over 100lbs. I doubled all their goals, and I did it as I told myself I could do better, I didn’t allow myself to accept less than what I wanted.

It wasn’t easy to get to the goals I wanted to hit, but I knew it wasn’t impossible. I worked hard, I always gave it all I could. I never would allow anyone to tell me “No, you cannot do that, no, you’re not allowed to do that.”

I became very focused and stubborn, and I didn’t let others try to deter me from my goals. There were times I was rude and very blunt, however, I did it as I wasn’t going to allow others to determine my success. I knew that was all on me, it was on me to either fail or succeed, and I sure as hell was not going to fail. Success was my only option. I was discharged from the rehab in September of 2011. As soon as I was discharged I began working. My therapists told me to take a easy part time job, I refused. I needed to be back to work full time, all I know is working. I am a worker, it is what I have always done.

Therefore, I started working at Totem lifting wood, drywall, concrete, roofing shingles, etc. A very physical job, I knew it was a risk, but a risk I needed to take. My shoulder was killing me, however, I trained myself to not allow the pain to control me, I now controlled my pain.

I quit Totem after two months due to schedule issues and some physical issues with my shoulder. I then began working where I am still, Future Shop. Shortly after starting working there I registered myself back into the gym.

I knew my weight was over 320lbs when I began rehab, when I finished I was around 290-300lbs. I then made the goal to drop weight down to 240lbs, that was my goal. I then researched on the internet and designed my own workout plan, a workout plan I shared with my cousin, sister-in-law, and girlfriend.

After roughly only three months into the workout I designed I saw great results. I dropped from between 290-300lbs down to around 270lbs. I was so happy with the results that I then used the workout in the gym along with weights.

The workout regiment I resorted to was extremely intense, basically at then end if I wasn’t sweating I wasn’t working hard enough. My shoulder was killing me as my arthritis and tendonitis would kick in, I just fought through it. To this day my shoulder still acts up, however, my will and focus is stronger than the pain.

I live by a saying my sensai taught me “pain is only weakness leaving the body”. I follow that saying to my death, as its such a powerful and true statement. Through changing my eating habits, and working very hard in the gym I hit my goal after nine months.

I dropped down from 320lbs to 235lbs within nine months! After all my depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, and serious injuries I was finally able to say I did it, that I saw the mountain and finally choose to climb it. I learned through my life that our success is based upon our own work ethic. I learned that the only way to achieve any dreams or goals in life, it is on you to make the first move.

Through my life I went through all the bad so I can appreciate the good, I at first didn’t know if I would ever amount to anything, however, soon enough I learned my worth, as did all those who doubted me. When you set the goal, that’s the first step, the next step is actually pursuing it, the final step is achieving it. All three steps can only be done by YOU, no one else can do the step for you.

Someone might be able to help tie your shoes, however, you are the one who has to walk in them. The moment you realize your worth, is the moment you will own your life and who you want to be. Never let someone tell you no, or that you cannot do something. Look them in the eyes, smile, and then say “remember those words, as you’ll soon enough have to swallow them.”

You can hit your goals, this is why you set them. If you can close your eyes and see your dream, you can live it. The only difference between a dream and reality is how hard you are willing to work to get it. I knew I had to work hard, and I did. I had to work through arthritis, dizzy spells, migraines, sleep deprivation, and depression, but I did it. I know you can, and I know you will.

The only thing, the only person who can and will hold you back from your accomplishments is YOU. The moment you stop pointing fingers at everyone else, is the moment you will allow yourself motivation to move on. You can do it, and you will.

Positive results only come from positive thinking, negative results come from negative thinking. If you want positive change, then you need to put in positive work and mindset. The world isn’t going to just give you what you want, you are foolish to even assume it will. You get what you give in this world, if you want the best for you, then you have to give yourself the best. You must never settle for less of what you know you deserve, as the moment you do, is the moment where you’ll always accept the short straw.

You want success? You want happiness? You want positive results? Then you need to earn it, success never comes easy in this world. If you honestly feel you’ll wake up and all your dreams will be given to you, you’ll never achieve anything. You cannot catch a dream standing still, you can never hit top gear staying in neutral, and you can never climb that mountain staying on the ground.

A friend that you look at their triumph and their battles won, and you obtain much more respect for them. I had this friend. I first met this individual while attending elementary school at "Holy Redeemer" located in Forest Heights.

We were not close friends at the beginning, however, after years we grew closer. When I was experiencing bullies in my younger years, he made me feel I was not alone. Only because he was also bullied, he was also judged and pushed around.

We looked upon each other for strength, I guess in a way he was like a brother in arms. We never really hung out outside of school, however, while we were in school we joked around and we always had a good time.

His name was Davor. He was very intelligent, very friendly, and was always a good shoulder to cry on. I never knew anything about his personal life, he always held that beneath his sleeves. He never wore his life on his sleeves, he was very personal, it was like he was a person with no history. It did not matter, as he was a very dear friend, I could always confide in him, always.

Davor was always so strong, he never allowed anyone to bring him down, it always seemed he was a happy kid. We lost connection when I graduated grade 6, Davor was a grade lower than me. However, we soon reconnected when he came to Bishop Kidd Junior High.

In junior high I was going through my own issues, I was growing to become very anti-social and isolated. I did not have much friends in my first year of junior high. I honestly believed I was going to be lonely all throughout junior high. However, when I passed on to grade 8, Davor was just beginning his Junior High voyage.

I was so excited when I saw Davor, I felt that he was a person who I can feel assured would have my back. Although, I was wrong. Being we were in different grades in a new school we branched off from each other. I was going through a phase where I wanted to not be myself to befriend the "cool" people, and I kind of turned my back on Davor. A decision I still regret to this day.

Therefore, we do not have much memories with each other in Bishop Kidd. When I moved onto High School I assumed Davor and I wouldn't ever cross paths again. However, I was proven to be wrong. When he arrived in grade 10, I was in grade 11. I remember I actually approached him at his locker and apologized to him. He reacted in a way that was a testament to his personality, he replied "not a problem, move on". He was such a forgiving kid. I loved that about Davor. Move on, thats what he always said to me.

It was while I was in grade 11 where I found out why Davor was always bullied and picked on, Davor told me he was homosexual, and has been since his elementary days. I was in shock. However, more importantly I felt so bad for him, not cause he was homosexual, however, cause he was bullied cause of it. It broke me apart when he told me this, I felt ashamed turning my back on him. However, once again he told me "move on, its ok".

Davor obtained all the respect I can ever give to someone, he was so tough. He was very proud of who he was, and never showed any weakness to the judgements or bullying he suffered. And for that he will always have my respect.

Davor and I built a close relationship again throughout high school, I would hang out with him during lunch hours and from class to class. Another thing about Davor was he was very intelligent in science and social, he was like a walking encyclopedia. I remember I once told him I felt stupid around him, and he told me something along the lines of "we all have our own strengths and weaknesses, what is my strength is me, and my weakness will be your strength". He was right, he was very intelligent, however, I was strong and tough, and this is why we were good friends, we jelled. Davor began to help me a little in the studies I struggled with, and I guess I was his bodyguard.

I felt I was doing a good job, as not many people were harassing Davor anymore (from what I knew). I was wrong, apparently Davor was getting bullied more so now ever since he told everyone of his sexual orientation. I was oblivious to it, possibly cause he never showed emotions.

I was now in grade 12, and Davor was in grade 11. I was still close with Davor, however, not as close as we were. During the summer we lost contact, and I assumed this was due to personal issues. I graduated grade 12, however, had to come back for 6 months to upgrade.

This allowed me to be in the same class as Davor. Science. Thank god, he was there as myself and Science do not get along all too well. He helped me out immensely. And I give him 50% credit for me passing the course, I feel if I didn't I would not be showing him his respects. I did not cheat off of him, I tired, however, he would not allow it. lol. However, he was a great tutor. He knew how to teach, he was so fluid and smooth with his speech, he knew how to speak to me in a way I could comprehend.

Davor and I would always laugh in Science, we always had a good time. I recall a time where Davor actually got in trouble. First time I guess for him, the goody good he was. Him and I were doing a project and I recall telling a joke, and he just burst out laughing, and not realizing how loud he was he said (pardon the language) "that was fucking funny!". Even the teacher was in disbelief, did Davor just say that? It was almost like the teacher was more interested in analyzing what just happened, as it took him what felt like minutes to actually speak to Davor about it. Good times.

Man he was a riot to joke around with. However, I did not know how hurt Davor was deep inside, I did not even consider he was hurting. He was always smiling, I did not know how his personal life was, how his home life was, or how he was. Davor recently just told his parents about his sexual orientation, and from what I heard they did not react in a supporting manner. Apparently, they lost it on him verbally.

I recall not seeing Davor for a couple days, I assumed he was sick, although truth was he was home and very depressed. It pisses me off I did not know this, it really hits me deep, I for sure would've offered a shoulder for him. There was a school play coming up, in which I recall Davor was apart of.

I assumed I would see him before this play, in which I did. He seemed fine. Truth was he was not fine, not in the very least. I was not at the concert, however, I heard when Davor did his act the gymnasium erupted in laughter, and people were making fun of Davor.

This part is the hardest part I will ever write. I arrived to school on this morning (I honestly cannot recall the date) normal. I was walking around, trying to figure who I wanted see, to hangout with. I did not see Davor anywhere, which was very odd. I went to science and all my other courses, still no sight of Davor.

I soon learned why, and it tore me down. I saw all Davors other friends in tears, a couple even screaming. I was so confused. One of our friends approached me, gave me a hug, and informed me Davor commited suicide. I broke down. I did not even see it coming. How the heck did I not notice one of my closest friends in need of help? I felt I let him down, I was so hurt, so lost, I did not know what to think, or even do.

I recall crying for so long, however, soon enough I was filled with anger. I recalled all the people I knew bullied and judged Davor. I had this intense anger, this thought process to go around find all these morons, and to beat them down. I was so angry. I felt I lost one of my closest friends to bullying, hell, I know I just lost a friend of mine due to bullying. I found one of the kids who I knew bullied Davor, and had to be held back. I wanted to hurt him. How did I calm down? Another close friend to Davor said "move on, it will not solve anything, Davor would not want this".

I then broke down in this persons arms, and I will not lie I gave the bully a middle finger, and told him to go to hell. I felt so much anger for so long, to this day I still think about Davor and feel I could have done something. Anything.

I now realize I am. I realize me pursuing troubled youth, and beocming a major speaker in anti-bullying I am doing something Davor would appreciate and respect. Davor was a friend who inspired me, a friend who helped me, and a friend who always put others before himself. He left us with the memory of "move on". For you Davor I promise to pursue this dream of mine, and I promise I will forever rememeber your statement "move on".

You will never be forgotten, and will always be remembered.

We all have that one friend that makes a significant difference and impact to our lives. Always cherish, always respect, and always hold those close to you. We all have a friend who will inspire us, cherish them. There is a reason you met them, there is a reason you get along so well. That reason is they were meant to be part of your life. These friends help mold you into who you become.